Aries is possessed of strength and drive — qualities that would doubtless prove most useful, could their bearer only sustain concentration for longer than it takes to close the lid of a lavatory after use, a task he does not, in any case, always complete successfully. At work, it is chiefly his subordinates who look forward to Aries’s departure, and who would gladly take up a collection toward it, were they not afraid he might find out. On the whole, the world — and Aries’s immediate surroundings — would benefit were he to turn his drive exclusively inward: preferably into a windowless room, door firmly shut.

It ought to be noted that the ram is, first and foremost, a male sheep — livestock kept for wool and meat, whose principal strategy for conflict resolution is to headbutt whatever stands in its way. Whether the reader feels inspired by this particular member of the family Bovidae, I leave entirely to his own judgement.

Taurus is strong and resilient, and puts both qualities chiefly toward a spineless climb up the social ladder. He combines artistry and practicality in a manner that tends to attract the interest of the relevant police authorities. When not, by some chance, employed as an agent of involuntary euthanasia, a bailiff, or a politician, he attempts to earn money selling counterfeit dental fillings. On the whole, he and his surroundings would benefit were he to redirect his resilience toward acquiring citizenship of an autocratic state — preferably one situated at a comfortable distance from the rest of civilisation.

It remains to add that the bull is, first and foremost, a male of cattle — livestock kept chiefly for meat — whose principal contribution to civilisation was enriching the vocabulary with a term for a bull that has undergone a certain procedure resulting in the control of his fertility. Any perceived resemblance to domestic cattle, or to domestic cattle with controlled fertility, is entirely a matter for the reader’s own self-reflection.

Gemini is versatile and inquisitive — qualities that conceal the fact that he does nothing properly. Gemini is a master of conversation, a mastery consisting chiefly in his ability to hold forth on anything from municipal waste collection to changing a car tyre, notwithstanding that he cannot tell a wheel rim from a dustbin lid. When told an honest opinion of his person, Gemini responds in a manner that persuades those present to save their honesty, next time, for a more suitable moment — for instance, a moment at which Gemini is not present.

For the sake of completeness, it should be noted that twins are two individuals who shared a prenatal environment, a circumstance that necessarily reveals nothing whatsoever about the character of either. Whether the reader considers a shared prenatal environment sufficient grounds for astrological classification, he may judge for himself.

Cancer is endowed with an extraordinary sensitivity to the world around him, to the extent that he is reduced to tears by an inadequately washed cooking pot. When Cancer is in a bad mood, a stream of liquid forces its way from his eyes, generating enough humidity to kill every cactus in the room. When Cancer is in a good mood, matters are worse still, for he shares with those present his views on current political affairs, drawing exclusively on arguments from the tabloid press. Those close to Cancer eventually acquire the ability to listen with an expression of understanding that has nothing whatsoever to do with actual understanding, their most heartfelt wish being that Cancer might one day go walking barefoot through an area known for stray Lego bricks.

The encyclopedia adds, on this sign, that the crayfish is a crustacean that moves exclusively backward, equipped with pincers and a hard carapace, whose principal defensive strategy is retreat. Any identification with the order Decapoda is a purely personal matter.

Leo walks through life with his head in the clouds — which would be poetic, if he occasionally looked down from that height and noticed how many people in his immediate vicinity suffer the consequences of his conviction that the world was created as a backdrop for his personal story. Leo’s self-confidence is remarkable in that it withstands the entirety of the empirical evidence against it — and one may safely predict that members of the pigeon family will sooner abandon the use of architectural ledges as conveniences than Leo will concede the existence of a single character flaw in himself. Leo would do best to return to demonstrating his power to antelope, out on the savanna.

For completeness, it should be noted that the lion is a feline predator whose males spend approximately twenty hours a day resting, while the females procure food. Whether the reader finds this arrangement apt, or fair, in the context of his own household, I leave to his own assessment.

Virgo is timid and conflict-averse, which is merely another formulation for a complete absence of personal opinion. Virgo agrees with everyone around her with a consistency that would be touching, were it not perceived by those present chiefly as confirmation that the conversation could easily have proceeded without her. The meaning of life, for every Virgo, lies in vacuuming, mopping, and disinfecting any mud she encounters — even mud found in the bed of the local river. Her perfectionism is remarkable: Virgo is capable of devoting hours of thought to the optimal method of polishing cutlery, all while it escapes her that she is employed at a restaurant where the food is eaten with one’s hands.

In the interest of scientific accuracy, it should be added that a virgin is a person whose sole defining characteristic consists in the absence of sexual experience — an absence which, in the Middle Ages, between approximately the ages of fifteen and twenty-five, considerably increased her market value, whereas beyond that threshold she came to be regarded rather as an administrative oversight. (The sign’s Latin name, virgo, means precisely this.) Whether this concept still applies today, the reader may judge for himself.

Libra is demanding, and surrounds herself with luxury — the origin of which interests her to roughly the same degree that the mathematical formulation of chaos theory interests an insect. Libra also has a remarkable relationship with time — not in the sense that she is unable to measure it, but in the sense that she regards the results of that measurement as a non-binding recommendation. Deadlines, in Libra’s life, serve merely as rough orientation, to be approached with a certain creative license. As for the coming week, Libra ought to pay particular attention to family weddings, and refrain from any initiative that might later be judged counterproductive. Should she fail to do so, she will break a mirror, a black cat will cross her path, and the relevant municipal office, for reasons as yet unexplained, will reassign her house number to thirteen.

It remains to note that a scale is a measuring instrument whose results are — unlike the description above — objective, repeatable, and independent of the operator’s mood. Whether the reader feels closer to the instrument, to its horoscopic description, or to something else entirely and objective, is purely a matter for his own self-reflection.

Scorpio is endowed with an extraordinary quantity of energy — energy whose deployment those around him observe with mounting apprehension. One might sooner expect the Czech Republic to simplify its bureaucracy than expect Scorpio to perform a good deed. Scorpio’s presence in a room alters its thermal atmosphere in a manner attributable not to the air conditioning, but entirely to the physiological response of those present, whose blood loses all interest in circulating at the sight of him. Those present secretly wish upon him the fate of inserting a USB connector the wrong way round every single time, and only getting it right on the third attempt.

Science observes, on this sign, that the scorpion is an arthropod with a venomous stinger at the end of its tail, capable of surviving conditions inhospitable to most other creatures — a capability it exercises chiefly upon its immediate surroundings. Whether the reader feels himself a representative of the order Scorpiones, I leave entirely to his own judgement.

Sagittarius longs for constant change, though change of a kind that requires the active participation of everyone around him. Sagittarius considers himself a philosopher of freedom, a freedom that, on closer inspection, bears a striking resemblance to other people’s freedom to listen to his opinions without the right to hold any of their own. His inner life is rich and varied — regrettably, in direct inverse proportion to his ability to stick with anything longer than it takes to begin the next project. As for Sagittarius’s experiments with goods imported from abroad, those around him would be grateful if he redirected his interest in world cultures toward a field that does not require ventilating the room.

For completeness, it is worth noting that an archer is a person, or device, that discharges projectiles away from himself, in occasional cases without excessive concern for what occupies the point of impact. Whether the reader recognises himself in this definition as the archer, or rather as the point of impact, I leave to his own assessment.

Capricorn is cautious and conservative — qualities that those around him value at roughly the same rate as regular bulletins on the meteorological situation in Antarctica. His enduring fondness for planning manifests itself in the imposition of a twenty-four-page document describing the optimal method for cooking pasta, or a shared calendar governing the departure plans of the various members of a shared household. It must be noted that Capricorn has yet to discover that certain phenomena resist planning altogether — among them, weather, illness, and indeed every other phenomenon that makes up the overwhelming majority of daily life. Capricorn should be aware that his inability to say no to anyone, about anything, may one day land him in a situation in which a real-estate agent, a cookware salesman, and a representative of a certain religious sect all call on him at once — whereupon Capricorn will sell his house in order to pay for the cookware, which he will subsequently donate to the aforementioned sect.

It may be added, in passing, that the ibex is a horned mountain animal whose life strategy is to climb to places no one else can reach, and remain there undisturbed. Any identification with this third representative of the family Bovidae is a purely personal matter.

Aquarius possesses a pronounced sense of originality, one he never quite gets around to acting on, since it would be easier to convince Krakonoš — the old guardian spirit of the Giant Mountains, fixed in place for centuries — to relocate to the Beskids than to convince Aquarius to turn an idea into an actual deed. Aquarius’s philosophy of life rests on the conviction that the world will appreciate his potential even without proof that the potential exists. He spends his entire life resting, so as to be suitably fresh for his next rest, and has, in the whole of his existence, accomplished nothing useful — with the sole exception of one merciful gesture, when he spared the life of a wasp that had just stung him, being simply too tired to fetch the flyswatter.

For completeness, it must be noted that the word’s original meaning designated a man who carried water for distribution to others, his vessel growing gradually emptier in the course of that task. In Czech, the same word also designates a genus of venomous water snakes belonging to the coral-snake family. Both analogies are offered here without further comment.

Pisces is adaptable and conciliatory, which, translated, means a complete absence of any trace of self-respect. Pisces reverses the flow of evolution: capable of adapting to circumstances at which most other creatures would stop and ask themselves whether the situation in question was genuinely in the interest of their own survival. As for social occasions, Pisces belongs to that category of guest whose arrival those present sincerely hope will be considerably delayed, and whose departure they hope will be considerably hastened. Pisces shares with Capricorn a susceptibility to door-to-door salesmen, though unlike Capricorn, does not even require three minutes to sign the contract.

It remains to add that a fish is an aquatic creature with a limited capacity to influence the direction in which the current carries it, and an even more limited capacity to comment on that fact verbally. Any perceived resemblance to the class Actinopterygii is purely a matter for the reader’s own self-reflection — and should the reader feel like a fish in water while abseiling down waterfalls, the author of this horoscope has every sympathy for such a case.